Subject: Windows 95 Cool User Program
From: [email-masked] (Charles Forsythe)
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 95 19:30:02 EDT

This is original -- Charles Forsythe <[email-masked]>
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WINDOWS 95 WILL HAVE THE COOLEST USERS EVER

REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC users 
concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, 
Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User Program for 
Windows 95."  To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which 
time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension.  The user will then
remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 
ship date.  

"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint
themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of
cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft spokesman.
These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another momentous 
Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human
evolution."

Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will
be needed for the storage facility.  "We have chosen the state of Utah," 
stated Microsoft,"because nobody lives there, anyway."  Spokespeople for
Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their 
words were not suitable for publication.

IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions 
with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching 
Microsoft's "Cool User" program.  "Freeze people?  What for?  Warp has 
already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be 
identified.

Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as a 
"bold, innovative" move.  In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion column 
"M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims,"IBM has missed 
the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy.  Users clearly want to be 
frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an
indeterminate period of time."  Michael S. Brown made national headlines 
three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT didn't completely 
replace DOS in six months" he would chain himself to grating comedian 
Gilbert Godfried.  Today he clarifies that "I didn't say *which* six 
months."

The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but 
users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of 
US$3,000.