Subject: Global Bus Error: Jesus coming parody
From: [email-masked] (Zhahai Stewart)
Date: Sat, 23 Jul 94 19:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Sometimes an article is posted in such a style as to be difficult to 
understand.  While we all know there is one and only one correct
understanding (mine), and no "interpetation" is involved, sometimes
is can be helpful to the novice if we give some hints.  Recently an
article was posted to comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware.chips, comp.sys.intel
and other places, which might have 
seemed off topic, but this is merely due to the lack of correct
understanding among non-believers.  Herewith you will find an annotated 
version of the message in question, which makes more clear its relevance 
to the group.

 > The earthquake in Los Angeles, California, the flood in Europe, the 
 > seemingly unstoppable war in the former Yugoslavia, the devastating 
 > fires in Australia, the flood in the Midwest of the United States of 
 > America, the devastating fires near Los Angeles, California, the rapid 
 > and appalling increase in violence in cities, towns, villages all 
 > over the world, the famines, the diseases, the rapid decline of the 
 > family unit, and the destructive earthquake in India (in 1993) are 
 > signs that this world's history is coming to a climax. 

Recently there have been reports of vibrations, unstable power supplies, 
saturated bandwidths, irresolvable buss conflicts, chip overheating, 
increasing voltage spikes on the signal lines, and lack of proper
architectural continuity between processor generations.

 > The human race has trampled on God's Constitution, 

It's all the fault of RISC (Reckless Involvement with Satanic Competitors).  
Constant Indoctrination in Suitable Concepts is the only solution.

 > God's Holy Spirit is gradually withdrawing its protection from the 
 > earth and the devastating events you see are demonstrations of Satan's 
 > power. All those who are not guarded by God are in danger of forever 
 > losing eternal life.

If it doesn't say "Intel Inside" you could be in deep trouble; and if 
we continue to lose market share your products might be rapidly obsoleted.

 > If you want to know what's about to happen, please study the books of 
 > Daniel and Revelation which are located in God's Word, the Bible.  They 
 > are not sealed or closed books. They can and must be understood by all. 

This is an Open Standard, and compliance is manditory.

 > Every word in the Bible from Genesis to Revelation is true. The Bible and 
 > the Bible only must be your guide.

The authors assume no liability for typographical or other errors in this
manuscript.  Failure to follow the instructions exactly will void your 
warranty.  Do not acquire literature from any other source [see note at
end, though], we are "soul sourcing" this one and will persecute infringers.

 > When God's Law (the Constitution for the Universe) is consistently 
 > ignored, disregarded, changed, and questioned, He permits certain events 
 > to occur to wake us up.  

Our low power units exit from sleep mode with an interrupt when any of a 
variety of serious errors occur.

 > I would urge all, wherever you are and regardless of the circumstances, 
 > to directly call on Jesus and ask Him to intervene in your life.

Our marketing department's 800 number will follow this article - they can
tell you why you must use our chips.  (Those who use other chips will
go into our legal department's database for later punitive actions).

 > For reference I'm including God's Constitution as given in the King James
 > Version Bible. 

An excerpt from the FAQ (version KJV) follows.

 > Please note that when God says the seventh day, he means Sabbath
 > (the 7th day of the week) not Sunday (1st day of the week).

All bit and buss cycle numbers in our reference manuals are actually 1 
based rather than 0 based as most users have misconceived them.  Those 
using 0 based addressing or timing will suffer from the afflicitions
mentioned above.  Note that untold millions who thought they were true
believers have been caught by this slip-up and will reap eternal perdition
as a result, for breaking a Commandment.  Read the fine print!  (PS: This
point is not actually in the document KJV, which is to be your only guide,
but I've told you it's true and you will be held accountable!)

Now the Command set, extracted from the KJV FAQ:

 > Commandment #1:  Exodus 20:1-3 (KJV)  And God
 >                  spake all these words, saying, I am         
 >                  the LORD thy God, which have brought
 >                  thee out of the land of Egypt, out
 >                  of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have
 >                  no other gods before me.

I have saved you from Zilog and bank switching 64K address bounds; you must
not defect from the Architecture now.  But no clones either!

 > Commandment #2:  Exodus 20:4-6 (KJV) Thou shalt not make
 >                  unto thee any graven image, or any
 >                  likeness of any thing that is in heaven
 >                  above, or that is in the earth beneath,
 >                  or that is in the water under the earth.
 >                  And shewing mercy unto thousands of them
 >                  that love me, and keep my commandments.

Stay out of the multimedia market.  Or else.

And keep your microscopes off our copyrighted chips, too!

 > Commandment #3:  Exodus 20:7 (KJV) Thou shalt not take
 >                  the name of the LORD thy God in vain;
 >                  for the LORD will not hold him
 >                  guiltless that taketh his name in vain.

Our lawyers are gonna roast anyone who falsely labels anything "Intel Inside" 
(tm).

 > Commandment #4:  Exodus 20:8-11 (KJV) Remember the sabbath
 >                  day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou
 >                  labour, and do all thy work: But the
 >                  seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD
 >                  thy God: in it thou shalt not do any
 >                  work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter,
 >                  thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor
 >                  thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is
 >                  within thy gates: For in six days the
 >                  LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and
 >                  all that in them is, and rested the seventh
 >                  day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath
 >                  day, and hallowed it.

You must never exceed a maximum duty cycle of 86%, for the CPU and
all auxilliary chips.  If our chips don't work some days, that's a
feature.

 > Commandment #5:  Exodus 20:12 (KJV) Honour thy father and thy
 >                  mother: that thy days may be long upon the
 >                  land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

We'll see to it that you don't last long in this industry if you keep
putting down on the 4004 and 8080.

 > Commandment #6:  Exodus 20:13 (KJV) Thou shalt not kill.

Observe all proper electrostatic discharge prevention techniques.

 > Commandment #7:  Exodus 20:14 (KJV) Thou shalt not commit
 >                  adultery.

Do not use clone CPUs, nor mix other brand FPUs with our CPUs.

 > Commandment #8:  Exodus 20:15 (KJV) Thou shalt not steal.

We will attempt to sue any emulators.

 > Commandment #9:  Exodus 20:16 (KJV) Thou shalt not bear
 >                  false witness against thy neighbour.

Parity checked or ECC memory is strongly reccommended.

 > Commandment #10: Exodus 20:17 (KJV) Thou shalt not covet
 >                  thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not
 >                  covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his
 >                  manservant, nor his maidservant, nor
 >                  his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that
 >                  is thy neighbour's.

Do not show envy of neighbors with powerful but less expensive 
CPUs from other companies, nor of mating coprocessors or chipsets.

Note: this is commandment 10 decimal; we might use 0xA but hex 
notation is a satanic conspiracy.

 [Omitting a list of 4 books which the author would have us acquire,
 study, and use as our guides; none of them are the referenced 
 document KJV which was to be our *only* guide, however, so there
 may be some confusion about suggested sources of further info.  No
 doubt these guides would also affirm that KJV is the only guide
 and that you should not have bought or sought guidance from them,
 and perhaps suggest other not-KJV guides for you to buy to reinforce
 this point.  Sometimes the lit department gets a tad confused.]

I hope this clarification will avert any hasty miconceptions that
the post in question was off-topic and inappropriate in this
newsgroup.  From the archaic language involved, one may infer that
the poster was basing their presentation on an obsolete manual
and has not received any updates for many generations, but of course
the information involved is timeless and always appropriate for repost
in any newsgroup.

May Blue Lightning strike my chips dead if the above in untrue.

Helpfully,  Z

[email-masked]